2010 – Week 1 Picks

Hello Sports Fans!

 I’m guessing that the majority of you have been dancing around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots all summer wasting all the money I made you last year.  So get ready, it’s going to be one hell of a season!

It is once again the best time of the year, time to saddle up to the couch every Saturday for an entire day of unhealthy behavior!  Congratulations on your continuation of a life shortening gambling addiction.  Way to not take a step back and personally judge every awful decision you made for an entire football season last year.  You’re a fighter, you’re a believer, and more than likely, you hate yourself more than anyone knows.  I am calling the masses –  bring me your weak, bring me your poor, bring me your slackers, degenerates, , Methodists, mongrels, and misfits………follow me to the promise land, let me help your gambling dreams come true! Your Savior Is Finally Back! 

 Hold your hand up in a 45 degree angle, march doing high kicks, and loudly yell – Brent has died, Brent has risen, Brent is here again……Brent has died, Brent has risen, Brent is here again!!!!

 We have a ton of new paid subscribers this year and a few others who are on the fence trying to decide whether they want to join.  So, I will once again give an easy week one overview of what Brent Johaston and the 5-Star-Pick Blog is all about.  I win you money, lots of money, private jet type money.  Every week, or at least the first couple weeks, depending on my availability and schedule, I will post out 4-6 hot picks for free.  In addition, if you become a paid subscriber, I will provide you 6 additional five star picks.  Last year, my paid picks were 88-9 ATS (against the spread).  The paid portion of my online subscription is only $168 per year or 12 easy installments of $14.  You could easily make this back with one of my five star, triple shocker, Saturday special locks.  You may be asking yourself right now, how do you come up with your pricing structure Brent??  Well, that’s none of your business, you are more than welcome to start your own successful gambling picks blog and charge whatever you think as well.

 Also, we will be doing live updates (I bet) during all of the hot picks made, if you are interested, which why wouldn’t you be, please follow my blog on Twitter at https://twitter.com/5StarPicks

 I’ve been doing a lot of things to prepare for this upcoming season including:

  •  Staring at rainbows in amazement and crying out of complete bliss about the money I’m going to steal from my bookie (until he makes me switch to another bookie, like every year of course)
  • Eating at Perkins with Tiger Woods trying to get insight into the golf gambling world, he was drunk and too infatuated with the staff so I got up and left…..not sure how he got home
  • Banned Chris Brown’s IP Address from the blog after he disrespected me, I think he took his anger out on someone else
  • An in-depth discussion with Mel Gibson about Jewish people and their impact on sports gambling.
  • Blackmailed Tom Osborne forcing him to move to the Big Ten……be careful what you do with your Tranny pics!
  • Got in a fight with a gay flight attendant after he tried to steal my week 1-3 five star picks…….I dismissed him from the plane
  • Ate hamburgers off the floor with David Hasselhoff
  • Organized World Sport Gambling Summit in Miami – introduced Lebron, Wade, and Bosh to each other…we all know how that ended.
  • Calmed quarrels
  • Danced!!! – Specifically me and my boys out on the town, dancing in a circle in the middle of the club with our shoes off, pretending like we are the only one’s there…..So straight and so fun!
  • Chicks

 Alright sluts, let’s get into some hot free picks.  Once again, I will reiterate that although free picks are fun, paid picks help me drink Guinness rather than Natural Light.  Also, just so you know, within these free picks I will be dropping one or two games that I know won’t cover, hopefully you can decipher the losers vs the winners (I only pick winners for the paid portion). 

 As always, let’s start the first week off right with some Jock Jams, let’s get ready to rumble!!!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8bg_jxWFgA

1.   Thursday Night – Pick against the Fat Samoans, Pick Of The Week

  • USC favored by 21.5 points over Hawaii
  • My Pick: Take the points, USC
  • My Confidence: 4 Star, Quad Shocker

I know USC is down a bit this year and they have a new coach, but how in the shit are they only favored by three touchdowns against Hawaii?  Did you know that football teams who have won a national championship in the past four years, playing their first game of the year in an average climate over 86 degrees Fahrenheit, located on a volcano created base, in a state where the population is more than 14% Samoan, are a whopping 12-4 ATS (against the spread).  This one is obvious, and like usual, the other gambling “number crunchers” didn’t do enough research to find these hot correlations. 

2.   Saturday Special – Coaches Pick Of The Weekend

  • Michigan favored by 2.5 points over Connecticut
  • My Pick: Connecticut +2.5
  • My Confidence: 3 Star, Maybe-Possibly Pick

Mexican Food: Good………Mexican Women: Good……….Mexican Water: Bad…………Mexican Foot Ball Coach:  Awful

The stats don’t lie here, Mexican Football Coaches (Rich Rodriguez) simply are not successful, especially not in the northern most states in the US.  Did you know that Rick Rodriguez has been wearing a stocking cap and gloves for the entire summer camp?  Do you have any idea how tough it is to focus when you are cold?  Mexican Football Coaches playing games in Michigan, Ohio, Wisconsin, Indiana, Minnesota, and North Dakota are a dismal 4-27 ATS in their season openers.  No chance here, go with the Huskies! 

3.   Religious vs Dog(ma)/Feline Mascots Pick Of The Weekend

  • BYU favored by 2.5 over Washington University
  • My Pick:  Washington +2.5 points
  • My Confidence:  Seven (Seven what you may ask, Seven….pay for the damn picks and I will tell you how my confidence level is scored…until then, all you know is that my confidence level is a random number)

Believe it or not but religious schools get their face beat in by schools who have dog or cat mascots.  I don’t know what the deal is, but in the last 15 years religious based schools (Notre Dame, BYU, TCU, Etc) get shit on by K-9 or feline based schools at a rate of 6-31 ATS.  Another no brainer, make this pick starting right Meow (douche chill anyone?)! 

4.   Smart vs Smart Pick

  • Northwestern favored by 4.5 over Vanderbilt
  • My Pick: Vanderbilt
  • My Confidence:  Quad Shocker, 4 Star, Saturday Special

Oh, they old battle of smart kids versus other smart kids.  Naturally it is a great thing to have smart players – they don’t have mental mistakes, they don’t commit stupid penalties, and they don’t lose their cool because they know there is a life of country club wives and fortune 500 leadership ahead of them.  But, the 5starpicks Research Institute™ has found some pretty interesting research about smart kids from the north versus smart kids from the south.  Although smart kids from the south can’t swim as well, they are significantly faster on a football field.  From our research, speed equals wins, so therefore smart kids from the south will likely beat smart kids from the north on a more consistent basis.  As a side note, we plan on using this swimming research during our upcoming Olympic trial handicapping coverage….stay tuned!  My recommendation on this game is to take plus money and bet Vanderbilt straight up….moneyline bitches!          

 Well, that is a wrap for week one, I hope you take this advice as lightly as possible if you don’t plan on subscribing to the paid portion of Brent Johaston’s blog this year. 

 Once again, please follow us at https://twitter.com/5StarPicks for more great gambling advice.

 My best,

 Brent Johaston!


2009 – Week 7 Picks

First off, I would like to share an email that my mother sent to my wife regarding my blog.  I think she is impressed thus far in my work!

Per Denise Johaston: I think there’s seriously something terribly wrong with my son and your husband.  I think he may have a future in something….but I’m just not sure what it is or if I’m happy about it. 

On that note…here we go.

I doubt anyone has noticed, but I took a bit of a break over the past couple weeks.  I was asked by various casinos and large bookies to spend time talking with them about my methodology, success, and trends moving forward.  This blog is getting so much traffic that lines are actually moving based on my picks.  I’ve also been spending a good portion of my time banging bitches with no rubbers.  On a negative note, I have had some side effects from all this banging; I have recently started only eating broth, scabs are appearing, and I am losing weight at a rapid pace……brrr it’s cold.  My dedication to making you money has brought my HIV laden body to a computer today to inform the world on betting success……I hope you enjoy the ride.

There are a couple major trends that I have noticed of the past six weeks.  Before you make any bets, please consider these trends:

  • Teams with Soccer style kickers graduating from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname “The Mule,” the first and only pro-athlete ever to come out of Collier County and one hell of a model American……are NOT covering
  • Anyone who goes to Vegas, and plays in Vegas, beats the shit out of UNLV
  • More African-American Players is better than less African-American Players (I’ve been following this trend for 46 years now)
  • Samoans are over-rated
  • Quarterback who throw with their pinky finger out are spending more time trying to blow fellow teammates than watching film….thus not covering

Thursday Night (Make a Pick b/c it is on TV Pick of the Week)

Cincinati by 2 over South Florida, My Pick: South Florida, My Bet: One Unit

I haven’t won a Thursday night game yet this year, but that is all about to change with these dazzling statistics..did you know that schools playing in traditionally hot colors (black, dark blue, dark red) are an abysmal 8-28 ATS when playing in the 4 most southern states in the US (Florida, Texas, Louisiana, & Arizona).  It is simply too hot for them to play good.  Guess what color Cinci is going to wear tonight…….black…….consider this a wasted trip for the Bearcats. 

Quartback on Quarback, Hot and Heavy Pick of the Week

Texas by 4 over Oklahoma, My Pick: Texas, My Bet: 2 Units

In games where the team’s quarterbacks send on average more than 8 text messages to each other per week, the favorite is 16-5 ATS.  Normally the sexual tension between the QB’s equal out eachother’s play and the better team ends up winning.  This one is a no-brainer….GO WITH THE HORNS!

H1N1, This Game Makes Me Sick Pick of The Week

Wisonsin by 3 over Iowa, My Pick: Wisconsin, My Bet: 2 Units

What a pile of shit, worthless, fat woman colleges, awful to watch, dickless,  horse-shit game.  I can’t describe how much I hate the awful big 10 (not capitalized on purpose).  In the history of shitty rankings I don’t believe there has been such a shitty team ranked number 11 in the country like Iowa.  Iowa sucks balls, go with Wisconsin.

“Sweater-Meat Pick of the Week”

USC by 10 over Notre Dame, My Pick: USC, My Wager: 2 Units

USC’s cheerleaders are smoking hot and they wear these smooth, soft, georgous, intriguing, touch-worthy, snuggly, wonderful white sweaters.  Every time they pan from left to right on their cheerleaders, somehow the next one is hotter that the previous.  Although this won’t effect Jimmy Clausen, it definitely might effect some of the straight players on the team.  USC wins in a whooping and easily covers.

Thanks for your time and support, Does anyone have Magic Johnson’s phone number?


2009 – Week 4 Picks

I don’t have a ton of time or energy today for you free loaders, but I think it is incredibly necessary for me to share an event/story/great game that I invented last weekend.  Following this epic tale I will pick my games, and then quickly disappear from your life, like most of the people who get to know you, or have to listened to you speak. 


  • Location:  Really Bad Strip Club
  • State of Mind:  I had been drinking for 14+ hours
  • Event:  Bachelor Party
  • Game:  Tell a stripper your life story

Just to get it out there, I respect the hard work that strippers do to pay their way through college.  Normally, because of this hard work, I am more than happy to throw gobs and gobs of cash as long as they are somewhat enjoyable.  In my experience, it is pretty challenging for strippers to make the experience unenjoyable.  I put cash in front of me, they come over and dance/interact in some way.  Whether it is placing me between their boobs or simply just standing me up to humiliate me, it is at least interaction of some sort.

Here’s what I don’t want to happen – Me and 15 buddies put money down in front of each other and a mediocre looking dancer comes out and dances in the middle of the stage, the song ends, and then she gathers up the cash.  I’m appauled for two reasons, one – there is no interaction or no ability to pay extra money to have a friend brutally whipped….. and two – this upsets me from a pure economic standpoint.  You are obviously stripping to make extra cash, you will make extra cash if you show the patrons a good time, so why don’t you try interacting with these patrons you twat.  And the story continues….I see this trend of “no interaction” happening with one stripper after another.  At first I thought this was just a one off thing, obviously some strippers will be better than others.  But no, every worthless coke snorting stripper did the exact same shitty dance, with no interaction.  I was starting to get a shooting headache and close to going through a hangover while I was awake….which is the worst feeling in the world.  I decided that if every stripper in the club was going to waste my time, I was going to return the favor and throw it back in their face. 

Here is how the game started – I sit down next to my buddy and ask “are you interested in starting a website.”  He replied “what type of website and what are you going to call it.”  I immediately replied “tell-a-stripper-your-life-story.com”.  At that perfect  moment one of the bores came up to the both of us and asked “would either of you like to do a private dance in the back” ……..and the game began.  I chimed in with “I was born in Western Nebraska in 1983, I have two sisters, one brother, and I am of the Christian Faith”.  I went on to tell her about the exciting move that my parents made from Nebraska to Kansas when I was only 8 years old.  I then quickly discussed my move back to Nebraska at age 12 and the troubles I had making friends.  I also walked her through my high school years and the troubles I had interacting with women and finding the right girl.  Keep in mind, she tried to stop this long story, she constantly would add “oh baby, that is too bad, let’s go in back and we can do a dance to make everything better.”  Luckily I still had her attention and I mentioned that I recently got married and told her about my wife and her family.  I also had a chance to discuss my fears about recently learning that I was going to be a father.  About 7 minutes into this (with my buddy now facing the other way and crying) she finally just walked out in the middle of my story/stories.  I hope she got the point, that I am not a person who is interested in having their time wasted…..how do you like that you awful time wasting stripper?????

I know that had nothing to do with gambling, but I thought I should share…not on to the picks.

I had another shitty week and I don’t really want to talk about it, if you would like to see how I did last week, do the research yourself.

Week 4 Picks –

  •  Thursday – Ole Miss by 5 over South Carolina – My Pick: Ole Miss –  My Wager: One Unit
  • Friday – Missouri by 7.5 over Nevada – My Pick: Missouri – My Wager: Two Units
  • Ohio State by 14 over Ilinois – My Pick:  Ohio State – My Wager: Two Units
  • Cincinnati by 17 over Fresno State – My Pick: Fresno State – My Wager: Two Units
  • Florida State by 14.5 over South Florida – My Pick: South Florida – My Wager: One Unit

Also – Hey Zach – tell your sister I will come over to her house and pull the brown hair out of her stupid head if she doesn’t pay me the $20 she owes me for those hot picks.  I mean business god damnit. 

More Great Press!

  • His comments about the Tech game are pretty hilarious.  Especially his take on “Enter Sandman” vs. “The Tunnel Walk.” –  SfryeVT1
  • agreed – I like that one of his nicknames is “white fa-gg-ot” – bjohnston111111
  • the tunnel walk is way better you “white fa-gg-ot” – tank242820
  • You should keep your day job, you suck. – Braskypants15
  • This is my day job, people make serious cash off this blog. – bjohnston111111
  • There is no way you can be professional when you use derogatory and offensive terms in any type of journalism. Your comparison of the tunnel walk vs the sand man is ridiculous. You call yourself a Cornhusker fan, but you completely hijack your own blog by tearing apart Nebraska. – HuskerResurrected
  • I agree, Brent Johaston is a complete dip sh !t. How can you call yourself a husker fan. Why don’t you move to Colorado! – tank242820
  • amazing once again, your paid picks are making me so much money i can actually fu      ck it!!!! and it only cost me $20!!! – zstivrins
  • The fact that you made one of your “picks” off a 35 point spread leads me to believe you are complete genius… (picking up my sarcasm?) I don’t care if it was Florida vs. Alabama School for the Blind. You don’t put money on a game with a 35 point spread…… – TDC2108
  • help me out here. how come it seems that any post that remotely mentions jed’s shirts are deleted, yet this dude’s posts with links to his betting site are okay? can we say double standard! – omahavinnie
  • Hey $h!t for brains….. Of course you can justify a 35 point spread with “If you hit it.” In that case it’s okay to bet on anything “If you hit it.” What a re-tarded comeback. I wouldn’t trust this guys picks if my life depended on it. – TDC2108


Your Friend,



2009 – Week 3 Picks

First off I would like to rename this blog to Brent Johaston’s Gambling Memoirs, but unfortunately I can’t figure it out because I am an adopted child, which doesn’t even make me a full person according to my step dad.  Regardless, I hope everyone is excited to win a ridiculous amount of money this week….I know I am. 
Did you know that Tiger Woods has finished second in 28 Major Golf Tournaments?  Were you aware that Michael Jordan missed 9,000 shots, lost 300 games, and was unsuccessful on 26 game winning attempts?  In addition, Michael Jackson unsuccessfully tried to lure children into his estate multiple times before closing the deal (allegedly) with that hotty from Home Alone.  What’s the point you ask???  You have to fail before you become a champion, regardless of your craft.  I  had quite the struggle with the free portion of my picks last week.  My cheap followers are struggling and trying to weather the storm while I get out of this funk.   On the other hand, the paid portion of my picks is making a killing.  I have had small pockets throughout the U.S. send me $20 per person, and my paid picks are accountable for 6 different bookies going out of business.  I listed my phone number below, call me right away to learn more.   Here is an example pick I made last week for the paid portion:
Due to the presidential speech this week I would like to introduce a new pick, the “Obama Pick”.  A black leader rallies a group for change but only ends up losing you your hard earned dollars…
Bet against Buffalo (Turner Gill), take Pitt -10! –
The saying “there is no such thing as a free lunch” is true regardless of whether your talking about gambling picks or regular every day favors…you have to pay to play.  I was 6-3 ATS for the paid portion last week which is a little below my normal average, but still worth the $20 per week charge.
I am offering a special this week, buy one week of paid picks, get one week free.  If you have any questions or concerns please call  415-267-6999 x1.  If you would like one free pick please call 415-267-6999 x2.  Just call, it is more than worth your time 415-267-6999.
Week 2 Recap:
Georgia Tech by 6 over Clemson: -2 Units – had I known that GT runs the option I never would have made this pick – lack of research on my part, unprofessional, but expected considering you are receiving this service for free.   
Colorado by 3.5 over Toledo: -1 Unit, that was a close one, I hate myself for believing in those coke heads
Texas by 35 over Wyoming: -2 Units – Another awesome pick, I wish I could lose more on Texas this year
Missouri by 20 over Bowling Green: +1 Unit – Your God Damn right, I nailed this one!
Alabama by 33.5 over Florida International: -3 Units – Yuk!
Overall:  -7 Units this week, – 12 Units on the season, I am picking poorly at an unbelievable rate.  Blame it on the a..a…a..a…..alcohol (worst song ever by the way, I wish Jamie Fox would actually go blind)
I would like to once again thank everyone for their helpful picks last week.  I have changed the format up a little this week and have included a pick from one of the subscribers.  This subscriber successfully signed 10 people under him to the paid portion of my service.  For every 10 people you sign up, you get one publicized pick on the blog.  I believe I have just found a way to turn this stupid blog into a pyramid scheme.
Okay, here we go with week three picks,
Thursday Night (make a pick because it is on ESPN)
Miami by 5 over Georgia Tech
My Pick: Miami
My Wager: 2 Units
What does a high concentration of Puerto Ricans that stab people have to do with gambling statistics??…..a lot apparently.  During my research this week I came across some very interesting statistics regarding Thursday night football games located in areas with a high concentration of Puerto Ricans ( that will inevitably stab you if you hang around with them long enough).  Road teams traveling into the Puerto Rican warzone are a  dismal 8-27 ATS (against the spread).  My assumption is that the road team’s fans are not willing to travel long distances just to get jumped by a gang of thugs.  Because of a lack of support the road team gets their faces beat in.  The numbers don’t lie, take Miami!
Patrick Swayze, nobody puts baby in the corner pick:
UNLV by 7 over Haiwaii
My Pick: Haiwaii
My Wager: 1 Unit
Due to the recent death of Patrick Swayze I think it is only right to honor him with a pick in this weeks blog.  I can’t tell you the amount of times I have been caught watching Dirty Dancing, crying, jerking off, and mumbling the song “I had the time of my life”.
To justify my Haiwaii pick let’s take a walk through a metaphorical shit show – Nobody (UNLV) put baby (Haiwaii, smallest state) in the corner (Las Vegas is in the very southeast corner of Nevada)…therefore I think we have a pretty obvious pick with Haiwaii because there is no way UNLV is pushing them into a corner,  meaning there is no way that UNLV will beat or cover against Haiwaii (take that ESPN research).
On another note, there were some other individuals on the Internet commenting on Mr Swayze, I don’t endorse the news I just report it…….Wow.
“Nobody puts baby in a casket.”
“Nobody puts baby in a corner – well, at least they didn’t when Patrick was around. rip Mr. Swayze,”
“somewhere tonight demi moore is spinning a pot. she needs help with it, but there is nobody around to guide her hands. Or is there?”
“Kanye West” Pick (Thanks Grant)
Oklahoma State by 31 over Rice
My Pick: Oklahoma State
My Wager: 1 units
Black superstar (Dez Bryant) steals the show and makes a bunch of little girls (Rice) cry….Oklahoma St. -31 (I feel like there was an opportunity missed here knowing that we are talking about a black superstar and the opponents name is Rice, or White Rice (which is a racial slur towards white people in some circles……some kind of racial something could have easily been inserted here, but I just couldn’t pull it together.  But since I mentioned White Rice I should probably tell you a story about myself – I am great at basketball.  When I was in high school I was the only white person playing on a select basketball team.  I had three nicknames, one was Brent “White Rice” Johaston; the second was Brent “Dunk It” Johaston; the third was “White Faggot”. 
2009 Hands Down Pick of the Year Pick”
Virginia Tech by 3.5 over Nebraska
My Pick: Virginia Tech
My Wager: 5 Units
You’re going to puke once you hear how much research and insight I have on this game.  I want to be very upfront and let you know that I am a huge Nebraska fan.  I would love to see Nebraska face fuck Virginia Tech up and down the field on Saturday, but I just don’t see it happening.  Let’s start with the mascots, do you have any idea what turkeys/hokies mostly eat???  Turkey/hokies eat corn (+1 VT).  Who do you think deals with adversity better???  School Shooting (VT +2, I really took the high road on this one, could have been much worse).  Finally, and most importantly let’s take a look at the entrance music that both schools come out to.  Virginia Tech is playing “Enter Sandman” by Metallica which is a pretty badass way to enter a stadium.  Nebraska calls their entrance into the stadium “The Tunnel Walk” which sounds more like some homosexual escapade into another man’s asshole (VT +3).  Either way I will be rooting for Nebraska, but since I have to support you bums I will pick the winner and make you some money.   Virginia Tech wins by 17 and easily covers the 3.5 point spread. 


More Great Press from last week! 

He sucked last week, and he is off to a bad start this week. – Albert781215
Check out these week two picks. I have been following Brent for the last 7 years and I am rich.- tank242820
This guy is a dweeb.- bjohnston111111
If you are rich, why are you pimping this loser on a CFB?? – TigerBait1971
LOL people pay this guy 20 bucks for two “insider” picks? – jro5454
I’m not sure if I hate this guy or want to open mouth kiss him????  Odd blog – bjohnston111111
Check out this blog for week 2 Predictions. This guy really sucks! I would never pay this guy for his premuim  picks! – tank242820
Johaston Out!

2009 – Week 2 Picks

Hello Sports Fans,

Alright, week 1 is over and we had a below average showing for the free picks and an outstanding showing for the paid portion of my service.  My cousin Wally and this group of foreign exchange students I tricked at the Notre Dame game are rolling in some cash because they forked over $20 for some insider shit.  I’m pretty sure the foreign exchange students thought they were getting my buddies dog out of the deal but they settled for my wife “skiing” in between two of them in the back seat of their car.  Either way, they paid me money, they had the picks, I’m sure they are rich now.  My two five star picks for the paid portion were South Carolina unders (they only beat that by 45 points) and Notre Dame (21 points over the spread)….I really wish I could have shared those winners with everyone.  Let’s move on though, no need to get upset any longer because your a cheap ass.

I also really appreciate all of the contributions from the blog followers.  I had a couple great ideas for new picks from one follower:     

1.   Anytime you take Nebraska to win and cover I would like you to call it the ‘Stepdad Pick’ because we beat you and you hate us.
2.  Also, I would like you to throw out California to cover because they were on fire all last week!  

I also think it is important to note that I personally didn’t write “fag”  on “Your Creepy Uncle’s” Grand Father’s grave stone – I have enough money to pay people to do that type of work.  I think it is my duty to do whatever is necessary to collect money that is owed to me because of my vast knowledge.

Week 1 Recap:

  • South Carolina: +1 Unit 
  • Texas: -3 Units, I got finger slammed here, there is no way they should allow 20 points.  I have sent a letter to the Texas defense asking for a personal apology, no response yet, I will keep you posted.
  • Penn State: -4 Units, this was another bullshit game that we should have covered.  31 points PSU, really???, really???
  • Nebraska: +2 Units 
  • Western Michigan: -1 Unit, I guess Michigan has a squad this year, didn’t expect that. 

Overall I went 2-3 and lost 5 Units….I promise I will do better next time, I didn’t mean to mess up, I hope you forgive me….daddy is sorry he hit mommy, sometimes mommy and daddy disagree and daddy gets upset, mommy shouldn’t act like such a whore, daddy loves you buddy.

Okay, here we go with the week two picks. 

Thursday Night (make a pick because it is on ESPN)        

Georgia Tech by 6 over Clemson 

My Pick:GeorgiaTech                                                                                                             

My Wager: 2 Units, Double Banger,2Star                                       

Here’s a pretty obvious one in my opinion.  If you were an animal with paws and teeth would you be able to fight off a swarm of killer bees even if you were super fast???….obviously not.  Gambling statistics agree with my observation as well.  In the last five years opponents with mascots who have the ability to fly are 17-5 ATS when their opponent has a mascot that is either ground based or striped.  We have both, we have a winner.  

Friday  night “bet the game because you have all weekend to dig yourself out of a hole” Pick   

Colorado by 3.5 over Toledo 

My Pick: Colorado                                                                                

My Wager: 1 Unit, semi-confident star, only game on that night because these teams blow balls pick                                                                                 

 Everyone knows that these two teams are ridiculously bad but that doesn’t mean you can’t win cash.  In games where attendance will be less than 20% of the stadium capacity, the road team is 45-14-4 ATS.  Even though both teams suck, the home team realizes they are playing a home game in front of only family members and teachers from their school, therefore they lose enthusiasm and the will to win….bet the road team!

Texas by 35 over Wyoming    

MyPick: Texas 

My Wager:2Units,                                                                                      

Did you know that there are more deer than people in Wyoming?  You may think this is not important, but let’s take a deeper dive into the numbers.  Top five teams playing on the road in states that are outnumbered by four legged animals are a surprising 33-8 ATS (against the spread).  Note: Statistic based on Wyoming, Vermont, Alaska, North Dakota, and South Dakota.  Not to mention that top 10 teams are 8-1 ATS when playing in states who’s average daily wind speed is over 22 MPH.  Note: Wind statistic based on Wyoming only.  Regardless of the score, I think we will all win as long as some hillbilly from Wyoming doesn’t mutilate one of the homosexual male cheerleaders traveling from Texas….come on security!       

Missouri by 20 over Bowling Green

My Pick: Bowling Green                                                                  

My Wager: 1 Unit, “where’s the team I want to win located???” pick

Missouri played pretty well last week, but I think it was a fluke….no stats to back this one up, just god given intuition.        


Alabama by 33.5 over Florida International       

My Pick: Alabama                                                                                

My Wager: 3 Units, show stopper, shock topper          

 Florida International has only had a team for 8 years, which is not a good sign based on recent history.  Top five teams playing against schools who have  had a team for less than 10 years are 34-14 over the past 15 years.  Plus hurricanes, don’t ever underestimate how nervous people in Florida are about hurricanes.  Also, American football isn’t even an international sport so I don’t see how their name helps them at all here, if we were playing soccer I would definitely have to go with FIU. 

 I will continue to reiterate that the paid portion is only $20, so feel free to fork over the cash the second you want to win. 

 Also, we received a lot of great comments about the blog from various sources, enjoy some of the great press below.  I will keep up the great work!

  • “Yeah check out the gay part where he said Tim tebow was hot without his shirt off, What a gay!” – dougritchey13
  • “I’m not amused one bit.” – toonmann6684
  • “You wouldn’t be guilty of tooting your own horn there, would you?  Of course you think it is funny, you wrote the damn thing.  In my opinion, this is a very lame attempt at handicapping.  Just another typical AMATEUR number cruncher.  Get lost, loser.” – jljmbaker
  • “I agree with Baker Banger, this blog is a waste of time. Get a life loser” – tank242820
  • “While you were in the basement with your JO rag doing the Lebron James to a recorded ESPN College Football Special, the rest of us   were banging our girlfriends/wives and kicking the S%#t out of the nice guy at work that tried to take our girlfriend/wife to a Broadway show.  You know nothing and your house should burn down for your blog being in existence.  Having said that, nice picks.”  – bang_chicks_no_rub
  •  “More lame a-ss attempts at Ghosting.” Jljmbaker
  • “Tech fan here… this is something we can agree on….  Pretty lame attempt there bud.  And look at the people that like it. Haha.  They alllll have 1 or 2 posts meaning he just made some new names and said wow this is greeatttt.” – vthokies9er
  • “I have talent too, so I’d rather read my own entries.” – burntorangehorn09

Your idol, 


Week 1 Picks – 2009

Hello Sports Fans!
We have finally arrived at the best time of the year, time to bet on college football.  What an exciting time to be an addict.  More importantly, what an exciting time to be an addict that doesn’t have to blow someone who looks like DMX to get a fix.  You are one click away from betting with money that you definitely don’t have.  You are one smart phone away from betting on a game just because you think the “tunnel walk” inside the stadium is truly going to change the outcome.     
What a great time to hope your wife/girlfriend becomes involved in some type of emotional relationship at work, probably with some touchy-feely dweeb who is willing to listen to her talk about: shoes/her job/that crazy bitch at work/One Tree Hill/90210/Dawson’s Creek/periods/hair products/etc.  Even though there is a small chance that this emotional relationship could turn physical, if you stay strong and don’t listen, you will have freed up some very important football handicapping time……call her fat if nothing else is working, you need time God Dammit.
On a completely different note, does anyone else get turned on when girls cry?  I can’t get enough of it.
Sorry, it feels like I lost focus a bit there.  It is important to note that I always take huge favorites the first week.  I also bet Texas the very first game regardless of the spread.    I hope you enjoy the new format, keep in mind that this format will probably not stay consistent throughout the year because I just don’t care that much.  Also, ATS means against the spread, so don’t ask me again what it means…or I will probably beat your face in.  I ride bikes, I bang bitches, and I am really strong in case you were wondering.  With that, let’s begin the picks.
Thursday Night (make a pick because it is on ESPN)
NC State by 5 over South Carolina
My Pick: South Carolina
My Wager: One Unit, Thursday night, Single Wopper, Uni-Banger
Teams that share at least a portion of their name/state with the opponent are surprisingly bad as favorites.  For example, South Carolina vs North Carolina, Michigan vs Western Michigan (see below), Nebraska vs Nebraska State (Did anyone watch the TV show Coach???  Why was Nebraska State on that football??? Such a great show other than the intro), North Texas vs Texas, you get the point.  Anyway, the favorite does not cover ATS in 65% of name sharing battles.  Numbers don’t lie, take the dogs!   
Saturday Games
Texas by 41 over UL Monroe
My Pick: Texas 
My Wager: 3 Units, Tripple Shock, Tri-Confidence, Three-Banger
Texas by far has the hottest cheer squad/dancers in the country right now, that is just an observation, and will probably not have an impact on the game….I’m just saying.  As I mentioned I always bet Texas the first week, but for you doubters I have a couple nice tidbits for your enjoyment.  Any state school with three or more 90 degree angles in the shape of state are 10-2-1 ATS in their opener.  Also, who is UL Monroe???  They’re going to get hit by another hurricane this weekend, hopefully this hurricane will just bruise their egos, not ruin their houses and force them to relocate. 
Penn State by 27 over Akron –
My Pick: Penn State
My Wager: 4 Units, Old Man Strength Lock of the Year
This spread is a better steal than Phillip Garridomade 18 years ago in Lake Tahoe.  As we all know, old people get up early, and subsequently, go to bed early.  You can use the same methodology based on the age of the coach, sooooo bet Joe Paterno’s old ass early in the season rather than late.  Did you know that coaches over the age of 70 win 83% of their first games ATS.  He’s old, his balls are old, but his team is good early…bet em, and bet em big!!!      
Nebraska by 21.5 over Florida Atlantic –
My Pick:  Nebraska (although, I would probably buy them down to 21)
My Wager: 2 Units
Florida Atlantic is gayer than softball.  Florida Atlantic is as gay as asking your girlfriend to put on a baseball hat, a flannel shirt, and demanding doggy-style during a night of man-imagining hate sex (I know this is a repeat, but I really like it, the visualization is priceless).  Go back to the state where there are at minimum, 7 better schools than you.  If I knew what city they were from I would trash it.  
Michigan by 13 over Western Michigan
My Pick: Western Michigan
My Wager: 1 Unit, Might Happen Pick of the Week
In the past five years, team’s coming off a week where their coach cried in public are a dismal 10-31 ATS.  If the game is against an in-state opponent the cry baby-bed wetting-diaper rash team is even worse ATS at 1-9.  The numbers don’t lie.  I will add that Michigan’s coach is a super huge pussy, I hope he was faking that cry baby stuff earlier this week…shit’s weak.
Congratulations on having the knowledge to already be up 10 units after only one week.  Also, as I thought would happen, I have been getting quite a bit of inquiries about the paid portion of my picks this year.  Just as a little background, last year I made two separate groups of picks.  The first group was available to the public or “common folk” as we refer to them at polo matches.  The second group paid a weekly fee of only $20 to receive my 6-Star weekly guaranteed picks.  I picked 78% of college football games correct last year for the 6-Star group, which is way better than you did, so I don’t want to hear it.  I still picked 65% of the games correct for the common folk, but as you can see this is a pretty cheap price for an extra 13% of greatness.  Starting next week I will begin the paid portion once again.  I look forward to winning you more money.  Pay me the money fag-hags.  
Your hero,

2009 College Football Prop Bets

I want to start out this year’s gambling blog with some informational bio data to help you understand the type of knowledge and expertise you will be gaining from subscribing to this blog. Some of you may know me, other’s may not, but I think this is important to understand who I am, that way it will make way more sense why I help people make so much money. Many people have asked “what’s the secret behind the picks” and the only way I can describe it is undeniable genius.

Here is the profile I use that perfectly describes what I do and how I do it:
I’m faster than you, I win more than you, I’m stronger than you, you don’t want to listen to me but you have to, I kiss babies, I shake hands, I will win you gobs and gobs of cash, mother’s love me, father’s hate me, and finally…..Gods acknowledge me as a threat.
It is also worth noting I am a loving husband, a great friend, and an ambassador for love and peace.

I do think it is important to define what type of blog this is as well, this is a place where top notch betting advice will be given out weekly, at no cost to you. This blog is for a mature audience, anyone without hair under their arms probably shouldn’t be reading this. Anyone who would be offended by jokes about sexual orientation, dead baby comedy, partially/semi/somewhat racist based observations (look over your should before reading), mother on mother on sister on me types of humor, or NAMBLA references; this blog may not be your cup of tea.

I hope this small tidbit has been helpful for all of the new subscribers, feel free to forward this on to anyone you think would enjoy – LET’S TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!!

And now, ladies and gentleman, let’s get ready for the main event!!!

To kick the year off I will go through my top 5 prop bets for college football. Keep in mind at least 90% of these will hit, even though the math doesn’t work out, they just will. Once we get into the year I will begin picking against the spread (ATS) with ungodly success. As you will see I have quite a few different types of bets which I will explain throughout the process (5-star, 4-star, quad shocker, tri shocker, ball tappers, tardspankers, “Plaxico, shot in the dark pick”, & the “drown em, shock em, hang em, wildcat QB pick of the week.”
Here we go:
1. Florida Gators – over/under 11 wins – OVER – 5 Star, Quad Shock
Has anyone recently seen Tim Tebow with his shirt off? Wow, I think this one is a no brainer. In the past 25 years,a QB coming off of back to back Heisman win/Heisman loss is 21 for 25 in beating their predicted over under for wins that year. In addition teams in states with less than three straight edges show a 93% chance of winning two more games than the previous year. Florida won 10 games last year, so without a doubt they will win 12, even if they are only scheduled to play 11…the numbers don’t lie.

2. Alabama – over/under 9 wins – Under – 4 star, Tri Shock, ball tapper (ball tapper means you feel kind of gay making the pick because you don’t have great reasons, but you just do it anyway, and then you don’t, I repeat don’t think about it the next time you are making sexy time with your wife or girlfriend..don’t, don’t. You also don’t force that person to put a baseball hat on and demand the doggystle postion..don’t, don’t)

This one seemed pretty obvious as well. In the past 10 years, states with over 50% of the population that are overtly racist, are a shocking 1-9 when trying to beat their preseason over/under prediction for wins. Plus, our president is Black, which surely can’t help them here – good luck to the SEC.

3. BYU – over/under 9 wins – Under – 5 Star,
There are entirely too many BYU players coming specifically from the Pattington family that resides just west of Salt Lake City. That family is slow as shit.

4. Notre Dame – over/under 9 wins – Under – Tripple shocker, quad shock, 5 star, can’t miss pick.
Get that shit outta here, how are they going to get close to 9 wins. I can’t believe this is even being discussed; I would have gone under on 5 wins….what a joke.

5. Missouri – over/under 7 wins – Under – Double shocker, 3-star, not sure this will happen pick.
Stupid small hands, fat face, Chase McDaniels is gone now….along with this little tidbit – State Universities with the words “show” or “me” or “state” in the slogan are under 10% in reaching their over/under total the year following the graduation of a quarterback that is under 68 inches…don’t do it, don’t even think about it.

6. University of Arizona – over/under 6.5 wins – Under – 5 star, shits for real pick
It is just so hot there, I hate the state, and I hate their faggy mascot, so gay.
Good luck with your prop bets, make sure you get them in before the start of the season. Keep in mind, I will win you money…not if but when.
Bring on your thoughts losers!!!!!!