Hello Sports Fans!
I’m guessing that the majority of you have been dancing around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots all summer wasting all the money I made you last year. So get ready, it’s going to be one hell of a season!
It is once again the best time of the year, time to saddle up to the couch every Saturday for an entire day of unhealthy behavior! Congratulations on your continuation of a life shortening gambling addiction. Way to not take a step back and personally judge every awful decision you made for an entire football season last year. You’re a fighter, you’re a believer, and more than likely, you hate yourself more than anyone knows. I am calling the masses – bring me your weak, bring me your poor, bring me your slackers, degenerates, , Methodists, mongrels, and misfits………follow me to the promise land, let me help your gambling dreams come true! Your Savior Is Finally Back!
Hold your hand up in a 45 degree angle, march doing high kicks, and loudly yell – Brent has died, Brent has risen, Brent is here again……Brent has died, Brent has risen, Brent is here again!!!!
We have a ton of new paid subscribers this year and a few others who are on the fence trying to decide whether they want to join. So, I will once again give an easy week one overview of what Brent Johaston and the 5-Star-Pick Blog is all about. I win you money, lots of money, private jet type money. Every week, or at least the first couple weeks, depending on my availability and schedule, I will post out 4-6 hot picks for free. In addition, if you become a paid subscriber, I will provide you 6 additional five star picks. Last year, my paid picks were 88-9 ATS (against the spread). The paid portion of my online subscription is only $168 per year or 12 easy installments of $14. You could easily make this back with one of my five star, triple shocker, Saturday special locks. You may be asking yourself right now, how do you come up with your pricing structure Brent?? Well, that’s none of your business, you are more than welcome to start your own successful gambling picks blog and charge whatever you think as well.
Also, we will be doing live updates (I bet) during all of the hot picks made, if you are interested, which why wouldn’t you be, please follow my blog on Twitter at https://twitter.com/5StarPicks
I’ve been doing a lot of things to prepare for this upcoming season including:
- Staring at rainbows in amazement and crying out of complete bliss about the money I’m going to steal from my bookie (until he makes me switch to another bookie, like every year of course)
- Eating at Perkins with Tiger Woods trying to get insight into the golf gambling world, he was drunk and too infatuated with the staff so I got up and left…..not sure how he got home
- Banned Chris Brown’s IP Address from the blog after he disrespected me, I think he took his anger out on someone else
- An in-depth discussion with Mel Gibson about Jewish people and their impact on sports gambling.
- Blackmailed Tom Osborne forcing him to move to the Big Ten……be careful what you do with your Tranny pics!
- Got in a fight with a gay flight attendant after he tried to steal my week 1-3 five star picks…….I dismissed him from the plane
- Ate hamburgers off the floor with David Hasselhoff
- Organized World Sport Gambling Summit in Miami – introduced Lebron, Wade, and Bosh to each other…we all know how that ended.
- Calmed quarrels
- Danced!!! – Specifically me and my boys out on the town, dancing in a circle in the middle of the club with our shoes off, pretending like we are the only one’s there…..So straight and so fun!
Alright sluts, let’s get into some hot free picks. Once again, I will reiterate that although free picks are fun, paid picks help me drink Guinness rather than Natural Light. Also, just so you know, within these free picks I will be dropping one or two games that I know won’t cover, hopefully you can decipher the losers vs the winners (I only pick winners for the paid portion).
As always, let’s start the first week off right with some Jock Jams, let’s get ready to rumble!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8bg_jxWFgA
1. Thursday Night – Pick against the Fat Samoans, Pick Of The Week
- USC favored by 21.5 points over Hawaii
- My Pick: Take the points, USC
- My Confidence: 4 Star, Quad Shocker
I know USC is down a bit this year and they have a new coach, but how in the shit are they only favored by three touchdowns against Hawaii? Did you know that football teams who have won a national championship in the past four years, playing their first game of the year in an average climate over 86 degrees Fahrenheit, located on a volcano created base, in a state where the population is more than 14% Samoan, are a whopping 12-4 ATS (against the spread). This one is obvious, and like usual, the other gambling “number crunchers” didn’t do enough research to find these hot correlations.
2. Saturday Special – Coaches Pick Of The Weekend
- Michigan favored by 2.5 points over Connecticut
- My Pick: Connecticut +2.5
- My Confidence: 3 Star, Maybe-Possibly Pick
Mexican Food: Good………Mexican Women: Good……….Mexican Water: Bad…………Mexican Foot Ball Coach: Awful
The stats don’t lie here, Mexican Football Coaches (Rich Rodriguez) simply are not successful, especially not in the northern most states in the US. Did you know that Rick Rodriguez has been wearing a stocking cap and gloves for the entire summer camp? Do you have any idea how tough it is to focus when you are cold? Mexican Football Coaches playing games in Michigan, Ohio, Wisconsin, Indiana, Minnesota, and North Dakota are a dismal 4-27 ATS in their season openers. No chance here, go with the Huskies!
3. Religious vs Dog(ma)/Feline Mascots Pick Of The Weekend
- BYU favored by 2.5 over Washington University
- My Pick: Washington +2.5 points
- My Confidence: Seven (Seven what you may ask, Seven….pay for the damn picks and I will tell you how my confidence level is scored…until then, all you know is that my confidence level is a random number)
Believe it or not but religious schools get their face beat in by schools who have dog or cat mascots. I don’t know what the deal is, but in the last 15 years religious based schools (Notre Dame, BYU, TCU, Etc) get shit on by K-9 or feline based schools at a rate of 6-31 ATS. Another no brainer, make this pick starting right Meow (douche chill anyone?)!
4. Smart vs Smart Pick
- Northwestern favored by 4.5 over Vanderbilt
- My Pick: Vanderbilt
- My Confidence: Quad Shocker, 4 Star, Saturday Special
Oh, they old battle of smart kids versus other smart kids. Naturally it is a great thing to have smart players – they don’t have mental mistakes, they don’t commit stupid penalties, and they don’t lose their cool because they know there is a life of country club wives and fortune 500 leadership ahead of them. But, the 5starpicks Research Institute™ has found some pretty interesting research about smart kids from the north versus smart kids from the south. Although smart kids from the south can’t swim as well, they are significantly faster on a football field. From our research, speed equals wins, so therefore smart kids from the south will likely beat smart kids from the north on a more consistent basis. As a side note, we plan on using this swimming research during our upcoming Olympic trial handicapping coverage….stay tuned! My recommendation on this game is to take plus money and bet Vanderbilt straight up….moneyline bitches!
Well, that is a wrap for week one, I hope you take this advice as lightly as possible if you don’t plan on subscribing to the paid portion of Brent Johaston’s blog this year.
Once again, please follow us at https://twitter.com/5StarPicks for more great gambling advice.